What it's like to be this big.

This post may end up seeming a little negative. I do apologize for that ahead of time. However, I am going to get on record some of the challenges I face in my life right now. This is a reminder for me and why I am sticking to this change. I may not cover everything, so this is just a list I want to express right now in order to explain to those who don't know what it's like, and  to commiserate with those who do.

Life as we know it is not designed for the morbidly obese. Take furniture for example, most furniture is not designed with me in mind. I make up a small percentage of society, so I have to pay a lot for custom furniture. When I go out anywhere there is a whole new issue. I always ask for a table, because a booth will not fit me at all. I can not sit in a chair with arms, so if there isn't a chair on the floor without arms it becomes a situation where I am standing there, waiting for a chair I can use, while everyone in the restaurant is staring at me. Now I am not usually shy, but this is one of those moments where I can feel it,...moving on. Then there is the issue of furniture strength. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed to survive the minutes of sitting in the seat I have been usually forced to use due to lack of choices. I don't want to give everyone a show by re-enacting those scenes from "Shallow Hal", my agenda when I go out is to have everyone forget I am fat...I make everyone laugh and that is usually when the comfort level for me returns, simply because I know for that moment no one is seeing me as the circus freak, but rather a friend who is beyond judgment. Don't get me wrong I like being a circus freak when its by choice, but that's another blog entirely...lol. Oh and I break every couch I sit on...snap goes the wooden support.

Now there is the subject of cars. I hate cars. I am embarrassed every time I have to go somewhere. I truly look like an entire circus clown troop getting into one of those obscenely tiny cars. When getting into my wife's little ford ranger, I have been watched by people like it was a drive-in movie. I guess I can't blame them, if I saw a hippo trying on a speedo, I would stop and stare too. Then there's this situation, 4 skinny friends who want to go somewhere, with you, in what seems like a smart car, and they are confused as to why it is hard for you to close the door...and they keep asking if your OK while you hover over them and grunt because you are holding it all together just long enough to get to where you are going. OH OH and don't get me started on freaking SEAT BELTS!....WTF, they never fit, and they put the buckle under your ass crack.....well ok maybe that is just me.

Now I know they have remedy's available for all of these issues, but like I said they are all expensive.

So now, on to clothes. I hate clothes...Hate...Hate...HATE clothes. I shop at big and tall already, but even they don't always have stuff for me. I must say they do try really hard to accommodate me, and I really appreciate that. But I have yet to go in there and just find what I am looking for. I usually have to do special orders and I hate that because I absolutely need to try my clothes on first. I am also sick of shirts that are as wide as a truck but end up looking like a tube top because the designer leaves the length at regular...DUH! Oh and pants that may fit everywhere else, but come up to my neck over my belly. I want pants that are on my hips under my belly because that looks and feels like actual pants, not a freaking tent with belt loops at my chin.

OK so here is the issue that started the whole blog today. Toilets and toilet seats. The wall stalls, where the toilet is screwed into the wall and not a throne on the floor, are absolutely the biggest frustration I face. I have to hoover over those because I have broken a few, and I have seen one break and spray the occupant while I ran for the damn exit. You can imaging my fear when this is the only option and you really have to go. I think these should be eliminated, well at least for handi-stalls. As for seats, I need  to invest in a seat company because I go through them. It always starts the same way, the little feet break down, then you are surfing on the seat as you slide from side to side....sometimes this is interesting, but it really sucks when it pinches and catches things in that area. UGH! Then finally crack its done for and I'm off spending another $30.00 on a similar peace of crap seat that will be broken in a month or three.

So finally I want to take a moment to talk about the body pain. Everyday I am cramping, aching, swelling, just hurting all over. Life in pain is no life at all. It is just an endless pursuit of whatever relief you can get. I am really tired all the time as well because of the pain as well as the lack of sleep and oxygen form my lung issues and sleep apnea. As for back issues, I have had to sleep on the couch since my car accident in July of '08, this aggravates my back as much as it helps it, but with the sleep apnea in combination, I haven't found an alternative. On the couch I am able to prop myself up in ways I can't in a shared bed, but I really miss my bed. This back issue makes it hard to walk or stand for long, but this leaves me sitting which hurts my hips and tail bone, or laying down which immobilizes me more than relieving me because I lock up. So what do I do? The only way to beat all of this is to loose the beloved Buddha belly...mmm rub the Buddha, you know you like it, better hurry cause its going bye bye. James.