So my plan was simple, eat lots of salad, and salad first, then sample the rest. This worked well. I made it through the family gathering and Nathaniel's fifth birthday party with relative ease. I did small samplings and I felt great. I wasn't full or craving, I was satisfied. I even got to take a bite of both kinds of pie, and both kinds of cake. I thought I did really well.
I was starving on the way home, so when I got home I had another salad and then tried another bite of the green bean casserole my wife had made for the gathering. I was still doing well. I then finished some homework and stayed up for a while watching Nathaniel's birthday movies with him, he got a DVD pack of the last airbender cartoon and movie, so he was really excited to watch them. It was nice.
The leftovers from Thanksgiving were pulled out and left on the stove a couple of hours earlier and they needed to be repackaged to fit into the fridge. So while Nathaniel was watching the forth episode of the cartoon series, I went in the kitchen to finish this. I grabbed the bowls I needed and opened the containers the food was in, and BOOM, I was stuck there.....staring at all this food....."gurble" said the belly.... I stood there for like ten minutes. I was afraid to make a move. I was in the war of my life in my head, calculating the effects of the food, trying desperately to find an excuse to eat some and to not eat some. I was a deer in headlights and Janell was in bed so I couldn't call her for help. It felt like a lifetime.
Writing this, I feel like I built my armor strong for that day. I feel like I was prepared and did follow my plan, I feel like I had accomplished a lot for the day, and I am very proud of that. But, in the middle of the night, with no eyes on me, no one to know of my actions but me. No one to impress during Thanksgiving dinner, and no one to pat me on the head for making the right choices. I was finally, truly being tested. The real test. The one I had actually been in preparation for. The one that mattered, and I failed. I knew what I was doing as I did it and I think that is the hardest fact for me to deal with. I lasted through the whole day and was almost in the clear, because once it is in the fridge, I don't have to see it or think about it anymore. But, alas, I started by saying just a little bite of the green bean casserole. Then another, and another, and another, before I knew it, half of it was gone. Oh but wait, then there was the candied yams, I had five heaping tablespoons of that, a few pieces of turkey, four pieces of buttered bread, two cupcakes, and a slice of that chocolate chip cake that my wife bought the other day. I then started to cry and quietly sat and eat some jerky. I have been an emotional mess since then, and I feel defeated. One of my thoughts while I was shoveling all this in was I was not going to post this. I was thinking, even then, that I would cover this up and just give you the good stuff from the rest of the day. As I started to write this I started to breakdown and realize that this is exactly why I am doing this blog....I need help. As it turns out, for now, green bean casserole is my kryptonite...well it is green after all. This truly felt like I could not control myself, like more of an addiction situation, than selfish rebellion or even sabotage. My tears today are a result of the fear I discovered because I couldn't stop myself. I was thinking rationally while I did this, and yet I still did it. How am I supposed to do this? How can I succeed against actions I can't control? What am I going to do?
I was feeling this way until I confessed to my wife. She has a way of putting everything in perspective for me and reminding me of my convictions with very few words. I love her so much. Anyway, she got me thinking again and got me over my defeated feelings. I was able to step back after our talk and see this as a training exercise. I reminded myself of my comparison to Mike Tyson yesterday, and started thinking about this more like a fighter in training. I realized that the best athletes and champions in the world are defeated every now and again. What makes them a champion is the fact that they learn from the mistakes that defeated them before, and then they get their ass back up. Like in football, you are trained to have a short term memory after a game, so as to not allow yourself to either break your spirit after a loss, or get conceded after a victory. The next game is all that matters. The Cowboys game that night was a great metaphor for my day with food. I started out the game with a huge point deficit, fought all adversity through out my game and finally took the lead late in the third quarter. I held that lead until the last 8 minutes of the game, then it was like quicksand and found myself loosing by only three points....losses like these are the most painful, but there is another game coming soon, so I need to start getting ready for that one. I now have less than a month, but Christmas dinner is not going to defeat me.
11-26-10 Progress Report. Mourning a loss, recovering and seeing my mistakes for what they are, mistakes. Starting fresh today, and reevaluation of my battle plan has begun. Feeling positive again, but I apologize for not being able to give you a story of total victory. Sometimes your biggest successes in life are found in your failures, so there ya go, I am preparing for success. I love you all, and as always I am humbled and honored to have you sharing this with me. James
I am proud of you because even though you were telling yourself last night you werent going to tell, you did. I'm also proud of you because instead of allowing this slip up to keep you down you are willing to learn from it and use it to face future trials. I have faith that you will have a story of total victory on Christmas, I love you James =)
ReplyDeleteWell I might be posting something nobody likes, but Im going to say it anyway. Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I was already amazed that you were going to try to carry this through that holdiay. I am realllllly proud that you made it all day and most of the evening too. Because you were trying, I refrained from telling you not to try and cut any of the dishes out yesterday. I was going to suggest to use a 1/4 cup measure and just limit your portions of everything to that. You still would have went way over calories and all that jazz, but you would have done amazingly better than your normal eating habits and definitely better than Thanksgiving eating habits. Think about everyone James, not just yourself on these holdiays. It is very rare that ANYONE sticks to a diet on those days. Any big holiday where a family dinner is involved is a deadly day to anyone's diets. The whole point of those meals is the food and fellowship. To me, if I wanted to stick to a diet I just couldn't participate at all. There is no way I could smell all that stuff and be around it hearing all the "its sooooo good" etc and not partake and get a nice round belly.
ReplyDeleteIm really glad Janell helped you get past feeling so defeated, because I don't think you truly were defeated. Yes, you went overboard before putting the stuff in the fridge, and Im sorry you had to face that battle alone. But you know, standing there for 10 minutes is beyond impressive. Most of us wouldn't have even tried to battle the urge at that point. You are doing well. You are confronting the hardest battle of your life and even if you didn't overcome entirely yesterday, for the most part you did. Im really proud of you for that.
I also thank you for your honesty again. That is so important when reaching out. To hide it wouldn't have helped at all because we wouldn't know where to target encouragement and prayers. Plus, who knows what people will find this blog and read it... Lets say another morbidly obese person starts following. That honesty is going to help them when they have down days where they feel they have been defeated. The fact that you are open about this and are confronting everything that goes with it, is such a great testimony for anyone else facing these issues. Sharing these moments is EXACTLY what this blog is all about. Just as you stated above. Receiving help and encouragement at the most important moments, which are in fact the moments you're going to want to hide. Don't ever feel that way. No one following is judging you. No one following you is going to read a blog where you are stating you were defeated and say, "Oh Im done with that guy." It's simply not going to happen. We will read them, feel deeply for you, pray for you or send you emails to encourage you. Nobody expects perfection James, and you have by far surpassed any expectations I have for you. I have been impressed every day with the progress you have made.
Think about this, you are doing this alone. You don't have a dietician, you don't have a personal trainer, you don't have a Doctor taking blood work from you and analyzing your sugars etc. every week. You have taken this on by yourself and you are sharing your journey with us. This journey is going to end up being something absolutely amazing and I truly believe it's going to touch a lot of people. It wouldn't be like that if all it is filled with is, "Yes, I did it again today! I rock, I am the man, this thing is EASY!" Nope, it will be encouraging and inspiring because of the honesty and the brutal emotions faced at moments like these.
ReplyDeleteI need to hurry up and finish cuz this got long... Honestly James, for me, if I wanted to keep to a diet I truly would have to just "sit out" the holidays and not participate. You are not alone in the food category on days like these. We ALL eat way too much and eat all the wrong foods on these days.
This is what I am going to suggest. Many will disagree but Im here to be realistic. On holidays, limit yourself to 1/4 cup servings. Try and only eat the things that you really love. If that is everything on the menu, so be it. Don't limit yourself so much that when you are alone at night and the food is sitting on the counter to be put away, you find yourself putting it away literally. Do some math to yourself. Picture if you would have eaten 1/4 cup servings of the things you just can't live without on these kinds of days. Would you have been better off in the calorie department than what you put away last night? If so, then give that a try on Christmas. If you find that you are better off calorie wise by diving in last night, then don't continue to feel beat up over that. What's done is done, today is a new day and just pick up those gallons of water and do some curls with them to work that stuff off. You weren't defeated James, you just headed up a very steep mountain. You will overcome, I have total faith in your journey.
I am proud of you! Whether you realize it or not you are doing outstanding. You are surrounded by all the things that are your "enemy" and even being surrounded you are not being KO'd. The majority of us would never be able to do that well when surrounded by our enemy.
Much love to you and yours. And hug Nathaniel on Sunday for me and give him a hug from Uncle Scott and Aunt Margaret.
I know that you don't know me. Im a friend of Margarets. I'm reading along sometimes and had a few things to add here.
ReplyDeleteI've struggled with my weight and I'm in my normal limits this past few years. But haven't always been. I have some serious health problems along with thyroid problems, for which I'm on medication. I joined Weight Watchers about 10 years ago and started being faithful to exercise every day. I keep a food journal and write every thing that I put into my mouth and keep track of my points. My weakness is some days I get to my 23 points and stop writing. I can gain a pound or two and start being more careful. I've learned that 40 mins of active heart rate helps me keep the weight down and if I don't feel well and miss it, I gain. Many, many days I'm in serious pain and would rather go to bed, but I push myself for my health and my family. I've learned that we don't get overweight over night and we get frustrated when we feel like we're depriving ourselves day after day and it comes off so slowly. Keep reminding yourself, that you need to change your whole idea about food. It's used for fuel, and the weight isn't going to come off over night.
Last night for dinner with our family we gave thanks for our dinner. I allowed myself 2 tablespoons of everything that I love and added plenty of veggies to that. I decided that i can eat it all and still eat healthy. I think being thankful is the most important part. If you haven't you might try weight watcher's. I stopped going to the programs after my first 10 lb loss but I learned I can eat whatever I want as long as I count those points and eat a little of what I want. I find key is getting those 5 fruits and veggies a day. Doing that helps to keep me full. You can do this and be happy doing it. Your going to be so proud with the first 10 lb weight loss. Set your goals for 10 at a time. If you goof up or fail one day, eat less and be more active the next just get back on the wagon. Praying and pulling for you. Yvonne