I have done good in many ways since Thanksgiving, but I have been battling cravings even more since then. I believe I may need something in my diet that I am not getting, but does that justify slipping off my plan? I do need to find out what I need, so how do I achieve this without a binge incident? I am seriously asking all of you for help in this because I did it again last night. I know most of you have said this is something I should not get down about. However, for me this is an issue of control.
To allow for better understanding, here's what happened. It was once again the middle of the night. I had reheated the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers for Janell and she had left it out after she was done. About an hour later she went to bed and i saw it still out and I finished the remaining Green bean casserole and the candied yams, there was about a cup of each, maybe a cup and a quarter. The whole thing made me sick, and today I feel body pain, I had a headache, and I was nauseous most of the morning. I am just glad that I don't have to see any more of the leftovers, but why do I do this?
I feel horrible about throwing food away. I grew up knowing what it was like to go through times not having food. My mother was a single mother of four, and we seemed to never get ahead. We knew desperation at times. I was also sent to my grandmother's due to my abusive step father and I would gorge myself at my grandmothers, almost uncontrollably. The worst thing is she would defend it to anyone who caught me, also due to the "emotional damage" I had because of my step dad. I feel like this might be where some of this control issue came from, as well as the need to finish all the food and not waste any of it.
I have known this was a problem of mine for a long time, and I thought I had dealt with it in counseling, but I now feel very frustrated because it has such a power over me when it hits. In that moment I feel like I am compelled to not waste anything, and I get really mad when there is something thrown out. I don't know what to do because I can be doing so well and than it just hits me at the least prepared moments and I fall. I need your thoughts.
11-30-10 Progress Report. Frustrated, flustered, and utterly disappointed in myself. I will be doing Yoga after this post, and I have done it everyday now, but I don't want this to be due to guilt, it needs to be because I like it and want the results it gives. I am not as down on myself as I was on Thanksgiving and I think that is due to the Yoga as well. However I need to find out why this is happening and the scientist in me is grumbling...lol.
On a side note, if this is the first time you are reading, I invite you to please read all the posts so as to get an idea of where I am in this. I love the advice I receive, but it means a whole lot more if you know what I have been covering.
I love you all for following, I am completely humbled and honored that you are along with me in this journey, thank you more than you will ever know. Lastly, read my wife's comment post from yesterday's blog, she is my light house in the storm, this will give you an idea why. I wish she knew just how wonderful she is. I love you honey. James.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
11-29-10 Fun with the kids and working out
So, I missed a day for my post because of a combination of Nathaniel's birthday and school stuff, sorry. My boy is so excited to be 5 years old though. He can't wait for school, and he wants to be home-schooled, which we are wanting to do as well. It seems like just yesterday we were at the hospital and I was holding him for the first time. :(... My boy actually got three days of birthday this year, so we were very busy, and he was in heaven of course. I was seeing many more triumphs during these days though, and it's so great.
I first must tell you what it was like for me to get ready to go anywhere before I started, in order for you to understand. I would have to prepare for my shower by stretching my back and making sure my hips were aligned. I would lay a certain way to get them to "pop" back into place and then I would have to recover from that. This took anywhere from 20 minutes to two hours sometimes, all due to the painful back spasms that would occur. I would then get in the shower and have to use long towels to get everywhere, this was a workout and I would struggle and run out of oxygen, so I would need to recover during and after the shower. Another 30 minutes to an hour there, and sometimes if my back was really bad I would need help from Janell. Then once I was able to get dressed I would need help with my shoes and socks, once again because of my back, hips, and my belly for this is a problem. After all this, if I over did any of it, I would have to stay in the car or ride a cart in the store to go anywhere. I was in hell.
Well, the last few days, I have not only had no problems getting ready, but I have not needed any help and I have been able to breathe without having to stop at all. Today, we went to Peter Piper Pizza for Nathaniel's final Birthday play-date. This place is a fun-house pizza place like Chucky Cheeses, and if you have been there you know just how crazy it gets in there. I kept up with the kids the whole time. I only sat down a couple of times. My back was fine and I only started to get a little pain in my hips toward the end. We must have been there 2 1/2 - 3 hrs. You know how they say you never know how much you miss something till it's gone, well this was certainly one of those things. I have seen the disappointment in my sons face when I can't play with him, and I never want to feel that low again.
I attribute this to my recent working out. I started a few days ago with the guilt workout that nearly killed me, but I have been able to keep going through yoga. I am determined to get my strength up to a point where that other workout is able to be accomplished. Now, about Yoga, OUCH! I mean wow, it is really impressive how painful that can be. Yes people, stretching comes with various settings; there is the AHH setting, the OOOHH setting, and the SOMEBODY SHOOT ME setting.
Now I know of the first two because I have felt them along time ago, in my younger years, when I was an athlete. Now I go straight to the final stage and dream of passing out to end the pain. Visions of unconsciousness dance in my head. I think the person who invented downward dog should be thrown into a kennel of hungry Kujo's while wearing a suit made out of raw steaks. I especially dislike the oh so positive tone of the workout instructor when they say, "mmm ooo doesn't that feel so good, such a good stretch....just breath into it," while you could mix paint on the shaking my ass is doing, and my loud wheezing is making the neighbors look outside for some lost wandering 90 year old asthmatic. UGH! But just as the pain gets almost unbearable, my muscles get really warm and start to release, my back pops, and my breathing regulates. I feel euphoric and energized by the time I am done. That doesn't mean I am not soar the next day though, another ugh there I'm afraid. I am noticing ease of movement already though, and I like it. I love the bonding that working out provides for my kids and I, and the other day Janell did Yoga too, I am so happy with the changes that are happening now.
11-28/29-10 Progress Report. Contorted and bruised, twisted and ringed, but happier than I have been in such a long time. I love you all, and hope your having as much fun with this blog as I am. As always I am so humbled and honored to have you along with me on this journey. James.
I first must tell you what it was like for me to get ready to go anywhere before I started, in order for you to understand. I would have to prepare for my shower by stretching my back and making sure my hips were aligned. I would lay a certain way to get them to "pop" back into place and then I would have to recover from that. This took anywhere from 20 minutes to two hours sometimes, all due to the painful back spasms that would occur. I would then get in the shower and have to use long towels to get everywhere, this was a workout and I would struggle and run out of oxygen, so I would need to recover during and after the shower. Another 30 minutes to an hour there, and sometimes if my back was really bad I would need help from Janell. Then once I was able to get dressed I would need help with my shoes and socks, once again because of my back, hips, and my belly for this is a problem. After all this, if I over did any of it, I would have to stay in the car or ride a cart in the store to go anywhere. I was in hell.
Well, the last few days, I have not only had no problems getting ready, but I have not needed any help and I have been able to breathe without having to stop at all. Today, we went to Peter Piper Pizza for Nathaniel's final Birthday play-date. This place is a fun-house pizza place like Chucky Cheeses, and if you have been there you know just how crazy it gets in there. I kept up with the kids the whole time. I only sat down a couple of times. My back was fine and I only started to get a little pain in my hips toward the end. We must have been there 2 1/2 - 3 hrs. You know how they say you never know how much you miss something till it's gone, well this was certainly one of those things. I have seen the disappointment in my sons face when I can't play with him, and I never want to feel that low again.
I attribute this to my recent working out. I started a few days ago with the guilt workout that nearly killed me, but I have been able to keep going through yoga. I am determined to get my strength up to a point where that other workout is able to be accomplished. Now, about Yoga, OUCH! I mean wow, it is really impressive how painful that can be. Yes people, stretching comes with various settings; there is the AHH setting, the OOOHH setting, and the SOMEBODY SHOOT ME setting.
Now I know of the first two because I have felt them along time ago, in my younger years, when I was an athlete. Now I go straight to the final stage and dream of passing out to end the pain. Visions of unconsciousness dance in my head. I think the person who invented downward dog should be thrown into a kennel of hungry Kujo's while wearing a suit made out of raw steaks. I especially dislike the oh so positive tone of the workout instructor when they say, "mmm ooo doesn't that feel so good, such a good stretch....just breath into it," while you could mix paint on the shaking my ass is doing, and my loud wheezing is making the neighbors look outside for some lost wandering 90 year old asthmatic. UGH! But just as the pain gets almost unbearable, my muscles get really warm and start to release, my back pops, and my breathing regulates. I feel euphoric and energized by the time I am done. That doesn't mean I am not soar the next day though, another ugh there I'm afraid. I am noticing ease of movement already though, and I like it. I love the bonding that working out provides for my kids and I, and the other day Janell did Yoga too, I am so happy with the changes that are happening now.
11-28/29-10 Progress Report. Contorted and bruised, twisted and ringed, but happier than I have been in such a long time. I love you all, and hope your having as much fun with this blog as I am. As always I am so humbled and honored to have you along with me on this journey. James.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
11-27-10 Guilt Workout
Yes, I tried to workout yesterday out of shear guilt. I went to my on demand feature for my cable and selected something on Exercise TV. They have a lot of different workouts for you to do, ranging from the very basics to a one and a half hour boot camp workout. I watched a few to find the easiest one that I thought I could handle. This was very revealing. I selected the easiest class but it was 20 minutes long. I was already skeptical, because at 523.8 on my last weigh in I am still a lot to move. I am still having a hard time breathing when active, and 20 minutes to me, might as well be the hour and a half boot camp. I decided to watch it through once and learn the moves so I could transition smoothly while I worked out. This proved to be somewhat helpful, and humbling. As I sat there learning the sequences, not only was my son doing the whole workout, but I was getting winded just moving my arms around and pretending like I was doing the exercises. I was convincing myself that I'm just not warmed up yet so as to stay positive and still be able to actually start the work out.
My son is such a motivator, the whole time he was learning the exercises on the first run through, he kept saying this is fun daddy, you can do this daddy, just watch me daddy and do it like this. I was so amped by the time I started the actual workout that I forgot about all the negative thoughts I was having. I love my boy so much it's ridiculous...lol. Anyway, I started the 20 minutes, the lady put a clock on the screen which I think was just to torture you! I went through the 2 minute warm up and I was feeling pretty good, my back wasn't hurting, and I was still breathing relatively well, and my kids were right there working out with daddy, both cheering me on. I was getting into it. So the pace started to pick up and it was as if she read my mind through the TV, I immediately felt my back starting to show signs of cramping and spasm, as she said "you can do this!" A determination was welling up inside as the we started to go through the first set. It was starting to get harder to breathe and my back was not backing down, so in a panic I looked at that big blue clock...it had not even been four minutes including the warm up. I decided right then that I had to keep moving even if I couldn't finish the whole workout. I started to just walk in place to try and catch my breath. the timing was perfect because she started to do squats....HAHAHA ya not happening. My boy was like it's OK daddy you can do it, let's go! lol.
I felt so guilty about Thanksgiving night that I just had to do something productive, if for no other reason then to restore my own self confidence. Up to this point of my workout, I had already learned something about myself, I am stronger than I had been giving myself credit for, and I have a lot of work to do. I was in this walking in place point of the workout when I could not breathe, I was struggling to get any air and I started to feel faint so I had to stop. Angrily, I sat down for a few minutes and I caught my breath. The moment I felt OK again, I stepped back into where the video was at and tried to continue. At this point the video had gone to the floor, I did FIVE PUSH-UPS! I am 524lbs people...AND WHAT FOO...YE-UH! (((hands up while saying this and head wobbling showing attitude on my face))) lol.
Well, OK, so they were girl push-ups, aaaand my belly made them more like roll-ups, but hey...I did them.
Anyway, the video finished that part and started to get back into the cardio/leg work. This time it had incorporated some Kenpo Karate, so I was getting into it since i had studied this as a child. I was trying to tell my son the moves we were doing and my breathing started to catch up to me again, but this time my back did have it, as I was throwing the last set of punches I got stuck turning to the left. I grabbed my back and waddled wheezing to the couch. So there I was, stiff, soar, sweaty, wheezing, and gingerly placing myself on the couch, realizing that I had made an effort. I was a little shocked at what I had done and embarrassed by how little I had done, it was an odd sensation. But, I changed my defeat from the night before into a triumph in that moment.
11-27-10 Progress Report. I am starting my round two training with a bang, though i know my working out may be premature, I needed this to prove to myself that I am on the right path. I stuck to my diet yesterday and eat nearly all raw foods and was never really hungry. I did have about a 3/4 cup serving of spaghetti with my family, but it was the only real carbs and meat I had that day. Today I started with cantaloupe, cottage cheese, and grape nuts. A half cup of each, well a bit more melon than that, but that covered my proteins and part of my daily intake of my essential fiber, minerals, and vitamins. I feel a renewed energy towards my program today, and I am now off to try my hand at some beginners yoga....STRETCH FAT-MAN... STRETCH! As always I am humbled and honored to have you with me on this journey. James.
My son is such a motivator, the whole time he was learning the exercises on the first run through, he kept saying this is fun daddy, you can do this daddy, just watch me daddy and do it like this. I was so amped by the time I started the actual workout that I forgot about all the negative thoughts I was having. I love my boy so much it's ridiculous...lol. Anyway, I started the 20 minutes, the lady put a clock on the screen which I think was just to torture you! I went through the 2 minute warm up and I was feeling pretty good, my back wasn't hurting, and I was still breathing relatively well, and my kids were right there working out with daddy, both cheering me on. I was getting into it. So the pace started to pick up and it was as if she read my mind through the TV, I immediately felt my back starting to show signs of cramping and spasm, as she said "you can do this!" A determination was welling up inside as the we started to go through the first set. It was starting to get harder to breathe and my back was not backing down, so in a panic I looked at that big blue clock...it had not even been four minutes including the warm up. I decided right then that I had to keep moving even if I couldn't finish the whole workout. I started to just walk in place to try and catch my breath. the timing was perfect because she started to do squats....HAHAHA ya not happening. My boy was like it's OK daddy you can do it, let's go! lol.
I felt so guilty about Thanksgiving night that I just had to do something productive, if for no other reason then to restore my own self confidence. Up to this point of my workout, I had already learned something about myself, I am stronger than I had been giving myself credit for, and I have a lot of work to do. I was in this walking in place point of the workout when I could not breathe, I was struggling to get any air and I started to feel faint so I had to stop. Angrily, I sat down for a few minutes and I caught my breath. The moment I felt OK again, I stepped back into where the video was at and tried to continue. At this point the video had gone to the floor, I did FIVE PUSH-UPS! I am 524lbs people...AND WHAT FOO...YE-UH! (((hands up while saying this and head wobbling showing attitude on my face))) lol.
Well, OK, so they were girl push-ups, aaaand my belly made them more like roll-ups, but hey...I did them.
Anyway, the video finished that part and started to get back into the cardio/leg work. This time it had incorporated some Kenpo Karate, so I was getting into it since i had studied this as a child. I was trying to tell my son the moves we were doing and my breathing started to catch up to me again, but this time my back did have it, as I was throwing the last set of punches I got stuck turning to the left. I grabbed my back and waddled wheezing to the couch. So there I was, stiff, soar, sweaty, wheezing, and gingerly placing myself on the couch, realizing that I had made an effort. I was a little shocked at what I had done and embarrassed by how little I had done, it was an odd sensation. But, I changed my defeat from the night before into a triumph in that moment.
11-27-10 Progress Report. I am starting my round two training with a bang, though i know my working out may be premature, I needed this to prove to myself that I am on the right path. I stuck to my diet yesterday and eat nearly all raw foods and was never really hungry. I did have about a 3/4 cup serving of spaghetti with my family, but it was the only real carbs and meat I had that day. Today I started with cantaloupe, cottage cheese, and grape nuts. A half cup of each, well a bit more melon than that, but that covered my proteins and part of my daily intake of my essential fiber, minerals, and vitamins. I feel a renewed energy towards my program today, and I am now off to try my hand at some beginners yoga....STRETCH FAT-MAN... STRETCH! As always I am humbled and honored to have you with me on this journey. James.
Friday, November 26, 2010
11-26-10 Black Friday
So my plan was simple, eat lots of salad, and salad first, then sample the rest. This worked well. I made it through the family gathering and Nathaniel's fifth birthday party with relative ease. I did small samplings and I felt great. I wasn't full or craving, I was satisfied. I even got to take a bite of both kinds of pie, and both kinds of cake. I thought I did really well.
I was starving on the way home, so when I got home I had another salad and then tried another bite of the green bean casserole my wife had made for the gathering. I was still doing well. I then finished some homework and stayed up for a while watching Nathaniel's birthday movies with him, he got a DVD pack of the last airbender cartoon and movie, so he was really excited to watch them. It was nice.
The leftovers from Thanksgiving were pulled out and left on the stove a couple of hours earlier and they needed to be repackaged to fit into the fridge. So while Nathaniel was watching the forth episode of the cartoon series, I went in the kitchen to finish this. I grabbed the bowls I needed and opened the containers the food was in, and BOOM, I was stuck there.....staring at all this food....."gurble" said the belly.... I stood there for like ten minutes. I was afraid to make a move. I was in the war of my life in my head, calculating the effects of the food, trying desperately to find an excuse to eat some and to not eat some. I was a deer in headlights and Janell was in bed so I couldn't call her for help. It felt like a lifetime.
Writing this, I feel like I built my armor strong for that day. I feel like I was prepared and did follow my plan, I feel like I had accomplished a lot for the day, and I am very proud of that. But, in the middle of the night, with no eyes on me, no one to know of my actions but me. No one to impress during Thanksgiving dinner, and no one to pat me on the head for making the right choices. I was finally, truly being tested. The real test. The one I had actually been in preparation for. The one that mattered, and I failed. I knew what I was doing as I did it and I think that is the hardest fact for me to deal with. I lasted through the whole day and was almost in the clear, because once it is in the fridge, I don't have to see it or think about it anymore. But, alas, I started by saying just a little bite of the green bean casserole. Then another, and another, and another, before I knew it, half of it was gone. Oh but wait, then there was the candied yams, I had five heaping tablespoons of that, a few pieces of turkey, four pieces of buttered bread, two cupcakes, and a slice of that chocolate chip cake that my wife bought the other day. I then started to cry and quietly sat and eat some jerky. I have been an emotional mess since then, and I feel defeated. One of my thoughts while I was shoveling all this in was I was not going to post this. I was thinking, even then, that I would cover this up and just give you the good stuff from the rest of the day. As I started to write this I started to breakdown and realize that this is exactly why I am doing this blog....I need help. As it turns out, for now, green bean casserole is my kryptonite...well it is green after all. This truly felt like I could not control myself, like more of an addiction situation, than selfish rebellion or even sabotage. My tears today are a result of the fear I discovered because I couldn't stop myself. I was thinking rationally while I did this, and yet I still did it. How am I supposed to do this? How can I succeed against actions I can't control? What am I going to do?
I was feeling this way until I confessed to my wife. She has a way of putting everything in perspective for me and reminding me of my convictions with very few words. I love her so much. Anyway, she got me thinking again and got me over my defeated feelings. I was able to step back after our talk and see this as a training exercise. I reminded myself of my comparison to Mike Tyson yesterday, and started thinking about this more like a fighter in training. I realized that the best athletes and champions in the world are defeated every now and again. What makes them a champion is the fact that they learn from the mistakes that defeated them before, and then they get their ass back up. Like in football, you are trained to have a short term memory after a game, so as to not allow yourself to either break your spirit after a loss, or get conceded after a victory. The next game is all that matters. The Cowboys game that night was a great metaphor for my day with food. I started out the game with a huge point deficit, fought all adversity through out my game and finally took the lead late in the third quarter. I held that lead until the last 8 minutes of the game, then it was like quicksand and found myself loosing by only three points....losses like these are the most painful, but there is another game coming soon, so I need to start getting ready for that one. I now have less than a month, but Christmas dinner is not going to defeat me.
11-26-10 Progress Report. Mourning a loss, recovering and seeing my mistakes for what they are, mistakes. Starting fresh today, and reevaluation of my battle plan has begun. Feeling positive again, but I apologize for not being able to give you a story of total victory. Sometimes your biggest successes in life are found in your failures, so there ya go, I am preparing for success. I love you all, and as always I am humbled and honored to have you sharing this with me. James
I was starving on the way home, so when I got home I had another salad and then tried another bite of the green bean casserole my wife had made for the gathering. I was still doing well. I then finished some homework and stayed up for a while watching Nathaniel's birthday movies with him, he got a DVD pack of the last airbender cartoon and movie, so he was really excited to watch them. It was nice.
The leftovers from Thanksgiving were pulled out and left on the stove a couple of hours earlier and they needed to be repackaged to fit into the fridge. So while Nathaniel was watching the forth episode of the cartoon series, I went in the kitchen to finish this. I grabbed the bowls I needed and opened the containers the food was in, and BOOM, I was stuck there.....staring at all this food....."gurble" said the belly.... I stood there for like ten minutes. I was afraid to make a move. I was in the war of my life in my head, calculating the effects of the food, trying desperately to find an excuse to eat some and to not eat some. I was a deer in headlights and Janell was in bed so I couldn't call her for help. It felt like a lifetime.
Writing this, I feel like I built my armor strong for that day. I feel like I was prepared and did follow my plan, I feel like I had accomplished a lot for the day, and I am very proud of that. But, in the middle of the night, with no eyes on me, no one to know of my actions but me. No one to impress during Thanksgiving dinner, and no one to pat me on the head for making the right choices. I was finally, truly being tested. The real test. The one I had actually been in preparation for. The one that mattered, and I failed. I knew what I was doing as I did it and I think that is the hardest fact for me to deal with. I lasted through the whole day and was almost in the clear, because once it is in the fridge, I don't have to see it or think about it anymore. But, alas, I started by saying just a little bite of the green bean casserole. Then another, and another, and another, before I knew it, half of it was gone. Oh but wait, then there was the candied yams, I had five heaping tablespoons of that, a few pieces of turkey, four pieces of buttered bread, two cupcakes, and a slice of that chocolate chip cake that my wife bought the other day. I then started to cry and quietly sat and eat some jerky. I have been an emotional mess since then, and I feel defeated. One of my thoughts while I was shoveling all this in was I was not going to post this. I was thinking, even then, that I would cover this up and just give you the good stuff from the rest of the day. As I started to write this I started to breakdown and realize that this is exactly why I am doing this blog....I need help. As it turns out, for now, green bean casserole is my kryptonite...well it is green after all. This truly felt like I could not control myself, like more of an addiction situation, than selfish rebellion or even sabotage. My tears today are a result of the fear I discovered because I couldn't stop myself. I was thinking rationally while I did this, and yet I still did it. How am I supposed to do this? How can I succeed against actions I can't control? What am I going to do?
I was feeling this way until I confessed to my wife. She has a way of putting everything in perspective for me and reminding me of my convictions with very few words. I love her so much. Anyway, she got me thinking again and got me over my defeated feelings. I was able to step back after our talk and see this as a training exercise. I reminded myself of my comparison to Mike Tyson yesterday, and started thinking about this more like a fighter in training. I realized that the best athletes and champions in the world are defeated every now and again. What makes them a champion is the fact that they learn from the mistakes that defeated them before, and then they get their ass back up. Like in football, you are trained to have a short term memory after a game, so as to not allow yourself to either break your spirit after a loss, or get conceded after a victory. The next game is all that matters. The Cowboys game that night was a great metaphor for my day with food. I started out the game with a huge point deficit, fought all adversity through out my game and finally took the lead late in the third quarter. I held that lead until the last 8 minutes of the game, then it was like quicksand and found myself loosing by only three points....losses like these are the most painful, but there is another game coming soon, so I need to start getting ready for that one. I now have less than a month, but Christmas dinner is not going to defeat me.
11-26-10 Progress Report. Mourning a loss, recovering and seeing my mistakes for what they are, mistakes. Starting fresh today, and reevaluation of my battle plan has begun. Feeling positive again, but I apologize for not being able to give you a story of total victory. Sometimes your biggest successes in life are found in your failures, so there ya go, I am preparing for success. I love you all, and as always I am humbled and honored to have you sharing this with me. James
Thursday, November 25, 2010
11-25-10 Thanksgiving weigh in
I woke up so excited to do my weigh in. I felt like this was going to be a big number because I have been feeling so much better as the week went on. I am breathing better, moving a little better, I was so excited. After all it is Thanksgiving, today has to be good right? Well, I only lost two more pounds. I was in shock, I felt a bit defeated. I was angry and on the verge of tears, because I have been really struggling this week, it felt like I really did a lot this week.
So after I calmed down, a vision of Mike Tyson popped into my head. It was his fight with Buster Douglas. This fight was the first real challenge Mike faced as a champion. I believe this was the one fight that really broke his spirit, because he never fought the same after that. This was the only time some one stood up to Mike and took his punches long enough to wear him down, then once he was winded he was easy to defeat. Mike trained to knock people out, not to fight a 13 round match.
Then, another vision came to mind. My mother's tenacious fight for providing a home for her kids. The best lesson I have learned from my mother, was to never stop working towards your goals. As a single mother of four, all she wanted, and all she talked about was getting her own home for all of us. Her fight lasted until we were all out of the house, but she finally, just recently, bought her first, all her own, house. This victory is making me cry even now. Because, no one will ever know like me and my siblings, what she went through to achieve that house. We are each, in our own way an example of that tenacity. I started working when I was 11, had my own production company when I was 16, and nearly achieved everything I wanted to in my dreams of making it in the music and film industry. My sister Ariana, is so strong and has never not known how to make it all work, usually with three jobs, but still. My brother has a fiery intellect and will never let his path be disrupted. He is wise and vigilant. Then there is Kaela, who is, against my every effort to stop her due to over-protectiveness, in the Phillipeans right now, pursuing God's mission calling on her life. She is truly an inspiration to us all, always.
My mother fought for a decade and a half at a job that did not appreciate her, and that she was way better then, through debilitating illnesses that where very disruptive to every aspect of her life, and with no help other than from the kids that she was fighting to protect. So it occurred to me. Am I going to let this "only two pounds" be a Buster Douglas moment, or a moment of triumph. I did still loose two pounds after all. I am at 523.8 and I started at 534. I also know that water retention can cause an 8 pound variance in your scale results, so either way I am still loosing real fat now.
You see Mike, even though he was a champion, he was never really challenged, he never had the tribulation-born tenacity to last out that fight. He proved to be a tin cup champion, and his Achilles heel was simply that lack of real trial. I see this "only two pounds" as Gods reminder that I have to approach this as the real challenge it is going to be. I have to see the true path in-front of me. I will struggle, I will get sick at times, I will want to scream and through fits. But I will never give up! I will buy my house one day, furnish it the way I want to, paint it and call it my own, I will show the tenacity that I have to do this. I love you Mom, I love you all, Happy Thanksgiving. Thankful and humbled by your support, and always hoping to inspire, James.
So after I calmed down, a vision of Mike Tyson popped into my head. It was his fight with Buster Douglas. This fight was the first real challenge Mike faced as a champion. I believe this was the one fight that really broke his spirit, because he never fought the same after that. This was the only time some one stood up to Mike and took his punches long enough to wear him down, then once he was winded he was easy to defeat. Mike trained to knock people out, not to fight a 13 round match.
Then, another vision came to mind. My mother's tenacious fight for providing a home for her kids. The best lesson I have learned from my mother, was to never stop working towards your goals. As a single mother of four, all she wanted, and all she talked about was getting her own home for all of us. Her fight lasted until we were all out of the house, but she finally, just recently, bought her first, all her own, house. This victory is making me cry even now. Because, no one will ever know like me and my siblings, what she went through to achieve that house. We are each, in our own way an example of that tenacity. I started working when I was 11, had my own production company when I was 16, and nearly achieved everything I wanted to in my dreams of making it in the music and film industry. My sister Ariana, is so strong and has never not known how to make it all work, usually with three jobs, but still. My brother has a fiery intellect and will never let his path be disrupted. He is wise and vigilant. Then there is Kaela, who is, against my every effort to stop her due to over-protectiveness, in the Phillipeans right now, pursuing God's mission calling on her life. She is truly an inspiration to us all, always.
My mother fought for a decade and a half at a job that did not appreciate her, and that she was way better then, through debilitating illnesses that where very disruptive to every aspect of her life, and with no help other than from the kids that she was fighting to protect. So it occurred to me. Am I going to let this "only two pounds" be a Buster Douglas moment, or a moment of triumph. I did still loose two pounds after all. I am at 523.8 and I started at 534. I also know that water retention can cause an 8 pound variance in your scale results, so either way I am still loosing real fat now.
You see Mike, even though he was a champion, he was never really challenged, he never had the tribulation-born tenacity to last out that fight. He proved to be a tin cup champion, and his Achilles heel was simply that lack of real trial. I see this "only two pounds" as Gods reminder that I have to approach this as the real challenge it is going to be. I have to see the true path in-front of me. I will struggle, I will get sick at times, I will want to scream and through fits. But I will never give up! I will buy my house one day, furnish it the way I want to, paint it and call it my own, I will show the tenacity that I have to do this. I love you Mom, I love you all, Happy Thanksgiving. Thankful and humbled by your support, and always hoping to inspire, James.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
11-24-10 Craving Cure
I found a cure for one craving, that lead to another. I have had a steak craving lately, so last night Janell got me some good jerky. This nearly wiped out my craving for steak entirely. The only problem was the incredible urge for chocolate that followed. I struggled with that for most of the night until I was able to pin point that it was directly related to the salt in the jerky. I was surprised because I had only consumed about an ounce of it and I was dying for some cake. Of course it didn't help that with the purchase of all the Thanksgiving food we are making for our family get together, Janell bought her and the kids a nice moist chocolate chip cake. I was drooling as soon as I saw it and I couldn't shake it. The first steak craving was gone in a matter of minutes, but oomph! cake!, really! I mean c'mon. Just the thought of how it sweetly caresses the taste buds, while filling your mouth with delightful chocolaty yummy-ness. With the texture so smooth and almost creamy, so moist and simply, delectably, sinfully, goooood. AAHHH! (weaping)
So how did I get over it?
Well, to be honest, I am still feeling it a little, but here is what I did to help. First, last night I took a small bite of my daughters piece to break the initial craving to just taste it. Next, I ate my dried fruit, as I reminded myself of the negative physical things I am dealing with right now, and how good it feels now to be accomplishing so much. I then started a mantra in my head that you may think is funny, "I am Superman, and cake is not my kryptonite." OK, I didn't say it was cool...lol, but it was somewhat effective...lol. This is a great warm up for tomorrow's all out may-lay on my senses. I feel like a lamb to the slaughter. I LOVE THANKSGIVING!!! GRRRR.
So here's what I am going to do. I am bringing a lot of salad, starting the day with a huge salad, and when I have cravings...yup! more salad. Then when my urges are manageable I will sample small amounts. As for the incredible pies, that are no doubt going to be wafting through my sniffer all day, fruit salad first, then a teeny tiny piece of each. Other than that, I will attempt to distract myself with football. (GO COWBOYS! ya that's right I said it!). One last thing that will be a motivator I hope...tomorrow's weigh in!...YAY! So on that, pray for strength for me, and wish me luck. I will be posting my progress report tomorrow due to the weigh in. As for thanksgiving I realize some of you may not have time to read my post tomorrow, so Happy Thanksgiving, I love you all, and may your day be filled with all the joy and laughter you are hoping for and then some. Humbled by your motivation and prayers, and always hoping to inspire, James.
So how did I get over it?
Well, to be honest, I am still feeling it a little, but here is what I did to help. First, last night I took a small bite of my daughters piece to break the initial craving to just taste it. Next, I ate my dried fruit, as I reminded myself of the negative physical things I am dealing with right now, and how good it feels now to be accomplishing so much. I then started a mantra in my head that you may think is funny, "I am Superman, and cake is not my kryptonite." OK, I didn't say it was cool...lol, but it was somewhat effective...lol. This is a great warm up for tomorrow's all out may-lay on my senses. I feel like a lamb to the slaughter. I LOVE THANKSGIVING!!! GRRRR.
So here's what I am going to do. I am bringing a lot of salad, starting the day with a huge salad, and when I have cravings...yup! more salad. Then when my urges are manageable I will sample small amounts. As for the incredible pies, that are no doubt going to be wafting through my sniffer all day, fruit salad first, then a teeny tiny piece of each. Other than that, I will attempt to distract myself with football. (GO COWBOYS! ya that's right I said it!). One last thing that will be a motivator I hope...tomorrow's weigh in!...YAY! So on that, pray for strength for me, and wish me luck. I will be posting my progress report tomorrow due to the weigh in. As for thanksgiving I realize some of you may not have time to read my post tomorrow, so Happy Thanksgiving, I love you all, and may your day be filled with all the joy and laughter you are hoping for and then some. Humbled by your motivation and prayers, and always hoping to inspire, James.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
11-23-10 A positive addition to today's serious post!
Please read the previous post. If you did than you know how it didn't really dive in to me as much as previous posts, but it is still important info to consider. Anyway, i was out for two days and the reason was due mostly to finals. I started my new classes on Monday as well and I was a little overwhelmed. However I was extremely positive and focused. I attribute this to the changes I have made recently.
I was very depressed when I started my blog. I had very dark things in my head about my future, and I started to doubt my ability to change things. Worse than that, I knew my wife was disappointed in me. This was the biggest effect for my changes. I love my wife, and look at her as my best friend. I could see the pain in her eyes when she would look at me. I knew she would hide her tears when she saw me in pain. I was sick of her defending me to everyone.
The changes in this area are so unbelievable now. She has admitted to me that not only am I a positive influence on her, but she admitted through tears how proud she is of me and she has noticed an incredible change in me. I again remind her of the man she married. I can not tell you how empowering it is to have that change in our relationship. I have never been one to let a challenge beat me, but this has been more than that. I have uncovered demons now that would have destroyed my mission before, and now I have this new understanding and commitment unlike ever before. I attempted to touch on this in previous posts but I just don't know if I can ever explain it in a way that you can truly feel what I am feeling. This is for me, this is out of love, not self hatred. This is not just a diet, it is my new life. I am a caterpillar in a cocoon, just incubating and waiting to spread my wings.Until next post, James.
I was very depressed when I started my blog. I had very dark things in my head about my future, and I started to doubt my ability to change things. Worse than that, I knew my wife was disappointed in me. This was the biggest effect for my changes. I love my wife, and look at her as my best friend. I could see the pain in her eyes when she would look at me. I knew she would hide her tears when she saw me in pain. I was sick of her defending me to everyone.
The changes in this area are so unbelievable now. She has admitted to me that not only am I a positive influence on her, but she admitted through tears how proud she is of me and she has noticed an incredible change in me. I again remind her of the man she married. I can not tell you how empowering it is to have that change in our relationship. I have never been one to let a challenge beat me, but this has been more than that. I have uncovered demons now that would have destroyed my mission before, and now I have this new understanding and commitment unlike ever before. I attempted to touch on this in previous posts but I just don't know if I can ever explain it in a way that you can truly feel what I am feeling. This is for me, this is out of love, not self hatred. This is not just a diet, it is my new life. I am a caterpillar in a cocoon, just incubating and waiting to spread my wings.Until next post, James.
11-23-10 serious stuff!
It has been a couple of days since my last post. I had finals and some family engagements to do that prevented me from posting. I did get back on last night, but I was just too tired to do this. I apologize if you missed me, and I thank you for being there.
I have had a lot of need for introspection lately. I have been wanting to fix a few other places in my life now, as well. I have no sleep schedule or life schedule to speak of, and I know how beneficial this is for every aspect of your life. I am also very aware of the political atmosphere we are stuck in, and yet I am still not as prepared as I would like to be in case of the worst happening. So for this post, I want to talk about my diet and integrate some survival plans that I believe everyone should be looking into. This is the "just in case" scenario that everyone should be preparing for now. You will be surprised how easy it is once you start.
The topic of diet and the topic of survival food preparation are very closely related. Dieting is learning about eating properly and budgeting your food intake, as well as making the right kind of foods available for consumption. Well, I say that this is exactly what you do for survival preparation as well. Above all, get educated on the foods you eat! I have a few questions for you to consider before we get too much farther. First, we all know that the economy is bad. We all know that natural disasters happen and there is nothing you can do about them. So, in the interest of keeping our sanity during this discussion, lets start there. Lets consider for a moment the possibility of a natural disaster knocking out your utilities, as well as possibly isolating you from the rest of the world for a time, like in Katrina. In an economic collapse, whether you believe this will happen or not, the living situation is very similar in both. How would you deal with that? How would you feed your family once the store is out of food? What does it take for your body to survive, stay clean, or even stay sane? What if your not prepared?
Now, I am not trying to freak everyone out here but I think there are some things everyone should do to prepare for the worst, all the while stay hopeful for the best. If that means adding a few extras to your shopping list every time you shop, then why not? I have a few suggestions that would also work in a diet. Complete protein is as simple as red beans and rice. Sprouts need very little light or water, and no dirt, and this is a nutrient dense food, that grows very fast. You can loose weight on these items, as well as provide life for your family in an emergency.
You only need approximately 1 cup per meal of the right foods to survive, as a larger person I know I am eating way more than that, so I would definitely loose poundage sticking to this. This also allows for a workable budget for food consumption and purchasing. Two cups is about what a comfortable diet is, so if you have the room and the budget you could and should prep for that. So how do you prepare? Start canning, buying in bulk, and bottling clean water. Bulk buying should include toiletries, spices, medical supplies, canned or can-able food, and some tools like camping gear. Actually, camping is a great survival test. Do you have everything you need to go on a two month camping trip, (or even longer if you want to go that far)? OK, so that's where you start, now that is also a great way to diet. Meaning, you can start prepping for a long diet with canning and this kind of prep, and start budgeting your food. But planning for no utilities is a bit more elaborate. For example, I live in an apartment, what would I do with my waste, fun thought right?
Budgeting your food for diets is a trial of recipes that you like, why not for survival as well? Many think of survival food as bland, all about energy and not taste. Well in a seriously long term situation for even the most prepared, this could end up being all that is available. Otherwise, in the short term situation, which is much more statistically possible, there is no reason you shouldn't have good, hearty, flavorful foods. That is, if you are prepared. Diet food used to be called cardboard, or at least rabbit food, now look at it. Diet food is undetectable nowadays, in the issue of taste and variety. The recipe's for Raw "rabbit" foods are vast now and very tasty. All I have to say is that raw food is incredible diet food, and in a survival situation, it uses almost no energy to make a great meal. Dehydrating meat, canning veggies, as well as complete meals, and stocking up on essentials is a great idea for family health, and disaster preparedness. Why would you not prepare for the worst and still keep your hope strong for the future? Those who are not prepared in a disaster are the ones who suffer the most, are you going to give shelter, or seek shelter? By integrating it into a diet you have a reason to study proper nutrients as well as food budgeting. Everyone needs to consider the great depression. What did people do back then? How did your parents and grandparents look at food? Food, over anything else equals freedom, think about it. Canned food and extra supplies are great bartering tools as well.
I believe the times we are in are not coincidental. We are here, now, for a reason. Are YOU ready?
I have current facts that support my belief that we are now in need of this kind of prep. If you would like to know more, let me know. As always, you are highly encouraged to respond to this post.
11-23-10 Progress Report. Diving deep, obviously...lol. I have found that fear and anger are triggers for my emotional eating and I am attempting to uncover the beginning causal issues that started my poor eating habits. I am considering finding a way to get the Kinect system with an X-box for working out, but that is $500 dollars that I will not have anytime soon, so if you have any ideas for fund raising or even sponsorship let me know...lol. I am also planning a healthy eating attack plan for Thanksgiving, this will be a real test of my new way of eating because I love Thanksgiving. I love you all, thanks for caring. James.
I have had a lot of need for introspection lately. I have been wanting to fix a few other places in my life now, as well. I have no sleep schedule or life schedule to speak of, and I know how beneficial this is for every aspect of your life. I am also very aware of the political atmosphere we are stuck in, and yet I am still not as prepared as I would like to be in case of the worst happening. So for this post, I want to talk about my diet and integrate some survival plans that I believe everyone should be looking into. This is the "just in case" scenario that everyone should be preparing for now. You will be surprised how easy it is once you start.
The topic of diet and the topic of survival food preparation are very closely related. Dieting is learning about eating properly and budgeting your food intake, as well as making the right kind of foods available for consumption. Well, I say that this is exactly what you do for survival preparation as well. Above all, get educated on the foods you eat! I have a few questions for you to consider before we get too much farther. First, we all know that the economy is bad. We all know that natural disasters happen and there is nothing you can do about them. So, in the interest of keeping our sanity during this discussion, lets start there. Lets consider for a moment the possibility of a natural disaster knocking out your utilities, as well as possibly isolating you from the rest of the world for a time, like in Katrina. In an economic collapse, whether you believe this will happen or not, the living situation is very similar in both. How would you deal with that? How would you feed your family once the store is out of food? What does it take for your body to survive, stay clean, or even stay sane? What if your not prepared?
Now, I am not trying to freak everyone out here but I think there are some things everyone should do to prepare for the worst, all the while stay hopeful for the best. If that means adding a few extras to your shopping list every time you shop, then why not? I have a few suggestions that would also work in a diet. Complete protein is as simple as red beans and rice. Sprouts need very little light or water, and no dirt, and this is a nutrient dense food, that grows very fast. You can loose weight on these items, as well as provide life for your family in an emergency.
You only need approximately 1 cup per meal of the right foods to survive, as a larger person I know I am eating way more than that, so I would definitely loose poundage sticking to this. This also allows for a workable budget for food consumption and purchasing. Two cups is about what a comfortable diet is, so if you have the room and the budget you could and should prep for that. So how do you prepare? Start canning, buying in bulk, and bottling clean water. Bulk buying should include toiletries, spices, medical supplies, canned or can-able food, and some tools like camping gear. Actually, camping is a great survival test. Do you have everything you need to go on a two month camping trip, (or even longer if you want to go that far)? OK, so that's where you start, now that is also a great way to diet. Meaning, you can start prepping for a long diet with canning and this kind of prep, and start budgeting your food. But planning for no utilities is a bit more elaborate. For example, I live in an apartment, what would I do with my waste, fun thought right?
Budgeting your food for diets is a trial of recipes that you like, why not for survival as well? Many think of survival food as bland, all about energy and not taste. Well in a seriously long term situation for even the most prepared, this could end up being all that is available. Otherwise, in the short term situation, which is much more statistically possible, there is no reason you shouldn't have good, hearty, flavorful foods. That is, if you are prepared. Diet food used to be called cardboard, or at least rabbit food, now look at it. Diet food is undetectable nowadays, in the issue of taste and variety. The recipe's for Raw "rabbit" foods are vast now and very tasty. All I have to say is that raw food is incredible diet food, and in a survival situation, it uses almost no energy to make a great meal. Dehydrating meat, canning veggies, as well as complete meals, and stocking up on essentials is a great idea for family health, and disaster preparedness. Why would you not prepare for the worst and still keep your hope strong for the future? Those who are not prepared in a disaster are the ones who suffer the most, are you going to give shelter, or seek shelter? By integrating it into a diet you have a reason to study proper nutrients as well as food budgeting. Everyone needs to consider the great depression. What did people do back then? How did your parents and grandparents look at food? Food, over anything else equals freedom, think about it. Canned food and extra supplies are great bartering tools as well.
I believe the times we are in are not coincidental. We are here, now, for a reason. Are YOU ready?
I have current facts that support my belief that we are now in need of this kind of prep. If you would like to know more, let me know. As always, you are highly encouraged to respond to this post.
11-23-10 Progress Report. Diving deep, obviously...lol. I have found that fear and anger are triggers for my emotional eating and I am attempting to uncover the beginning causal issues that started my poor eating habits. I am considering finding a way to get the Kinect system with an X-box for working out, but that is $500 dollars that I will not have anytime soon, so if you have any ideas for fund raising or even sponsorship let me know...lol. I am also planning a healthy eating attack plan for Thanksgiving, this will be a real test of my new way of eating because I love Thanksgiving. I love you all, thanks for caring. James.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
11-20-10 The Explanation
Yesterday, I posted a controversial statement to create a conversation. I stated that "Obesity is a selfish rebellion physically manifested," and I stated I would not elaborate on why I felt that way, I wanted your opinion. I will give some explanation today, but I think this may be an ongoing discussion. I like the responses I received, and there were many that just emailed me. I think I struck a chord with this statement however, and I would like to clarify, this is not to be taken as negativity or belittling to my people of fluff. I am looking at this as an emotional factor in the weight challenges we all face. I know this will not apply to everyone, and I know there are some people who have medical reasons for there weight. But for the rest, I think this applies.
First, let me define my reasoning. I was not surprised to see that many people were saying this is a coping mechanism. After all, in the dictionary a coping mechanism is defined as, "an adaptation to environmental stress that is based on conscious or unconscious choice and that enhances control over behavior or gives psychological comfort." -Dictionary.com. This seems exactly right at first, except it also gives you a crutch, and it is really only defining the actions taken, not the core internal response at the time of reaction to a stress. In other words, defining obesity or the causes of obesity as just a coping mechanism is kind of sweeping the causal issues under the rug, don't you think? Simply because this kind of obesity is simply caused by our own actions, and therefore in need of those actions defined so as to stop, we should be facing this head on.
My view of my weight has always been defined as a coping mechanism. As I believe, most may see their issue this way, but just look where I am at. When is this no longer just a need to cope? What I discovered about myself in the last two days is that I never completely learned how to process my emotions in a healthy way. Instead of confronting causal issues, I eat, get grouchy, lash out, get funny, or get away and then I call it coping. I also do this coping in-spite of the people around me. Regardless of their feelings, I am going to do what I feel like at this "trying" moment. In this moment I really don't care what kind of warnings I have been given, what kind of emotion I have been shown toward these actions, what kind of self hatred I have previously felt after my self indulgences, I am going to do what I feel is needed to cope. This to me is the definition of selfish rebellion. Coupling this with the "F-U" candy when someone has just called you fat, or showed you concern, or given unsolicited weight loss advice, and you have a deepening issue of rebellion. I realize that most of us are caught in a pattern of habits that define our reactions to certain situations, and this is exactly what I am talking about. Why did we start reacting this way in the first place? Why is further destroying our body our way of releasing some stress? Why can't we stop?
Your thoughts on this would greatly be appreciated.
11-20-10 Progress Report. Trying to map my triggers. No straying from my plan today, all I have left is a small snack and a quart of water for the day. Love you all. James
First, let me define my reasoning. I was not surprised to see that many people were saying this is a coping mechanism. After all, in the dictionary a coping mechanism is defined as, "an adaptation to environmental stress that is based on conscious or unconscious choice and that enhances control over behavior or gives psychological comfort." -Dictionary.com. This seems exactly right at first, except it also gives you a crutch, and it is really only defining the actions taken, not the core internal response at the time of reaction to a stress. In other words, defining obesity or the causes of obesity as just a coping mechanism is kind of sweeping the causal issues under the rug, don't you think? Simply because this kind of obesity is simply caused by our own actions, and therefore in need of those actions defined so as to stop, we should be facing this head on.
My view of my weight has always been defined as a coping mechanism. As I believe, most may see their issue this way, but just look where I am at. When is this no longer just a need to cope? What I discovered about myself in the last two days is that I never completely learned how to process my emotions in a healthy way. Instead of confronting causal issues, I eat, get grouchy, lash out, get funny, or get away and then I call it coping. I also do this coping in-spite of the people around me. Regardless of their feelings, I am going to do what I feel like at this "trying" moment. In this moment I really don't care what kind of warnings I have been given, what kind of emotion I have been shown toward these actions, what kind of self hatred I have previously felt after my self indulgences, I am going to do what I feel is needed to cope. This to me is the definition of selfish rebellion. Coupling this with the "F-U" candy when someone has just called you fat, or showed you concern, or given unsolicited weight loss advice, and you have a deepening issue of rebellion. I realize that most of us are caught in a pattern of habits that define our reactions to certain situations, and this is exactly what I am talking about. Why did we start reacting this way in the first place? Why is further destroying our body our way of releasing some stress? Why can't we stop?
Your thoughts on this would greatly be appreciated.
11-20-10 Progress Report. Trying to map my triggers. No straying from my plan today, all I have left is a small snack and a quart of water for the day. Love you all. James
Friday, November 19, 2010
11-19-10 Cravings today
I am actually quite surprised, but I have had some insatiable craving today. Visions of hamburgers, pizza, and Chocolate danced in my head. I tried to fill this with carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower, not the same at all. I then tried PB on celery...nope. It was bad, I was fidgety, palms were sweating, getting moody. It was ugly to say the least. I had to go all ninja voodoo mind trance on myself. I started to notice a connection to the feelings I was having.
So here's what I think happened. I received some negative feedback yesterday. I won't go into it, but I will say these people meant well, but there is no way that they could ever understand what I am going through. I took the criticism and advice in stride and went about my day. It took till that night and now the next day to get a reaction in me. All I wanted to do was sabotage myself. I was in shock when this realization hit me. This was the first time in my life I was open enough to my own feelings to see what was causing the emotional eating, BEFORE, I did the wrong thing. The moment this reality hit home, the craving went away, and I broke down like a little baby. I was seeing what I have been doing to myself all my life.
I have come to a place in my mind, where a theory emerged that I need your opinion on. Now before I say what I am going to say, I realize some of you will be afraid to respond, due to politeness. I am asking you to overcome this and give me your honesty. Even if you email me in private at papacheeto05@aol.com. Just please let me know what you think of this, after you give it some real honest review.
Obesity is a selfish rebellion physically manifested. I have my stories and examples that I feel support this, but for now I want your opinion on this statement. Tell me why or why you don't agree. Please discuss this with me because I think I am on the verge of a new step in my journey and the definition of my journey is being molded openly through you all as well. Only through truth is my destiny achievable, so if I am wrong, I need to know, but if I am right I believe there is some healing to be done.
11-19-10 Progress Report. I was able to overcome my cravings and stick to my plan. YAY!!
So here's what I think happened. I received some negative feedback yesterday. I won't go into it, but I will say these people meant well, but there is no way that they could ever understand what I am going through. I took the criticism and advice in stride and went about my day. It took till that night and now the next day to get a reaction in me. All I wanted to do was sabotage myself. I was in shock when this realization hit me. This was the first time in my life I was open enough to my own feelings to see what was causing the emotional eating, BEFORE, I did the wrong thing. The moment this reality hit home, the craving went away, and I broke down like a little baby. I was seeing what I have been doing to myself all my life.
I have come to a place in my mind, where a theory emerged that I need your opinion on. Now before I say what I am going to say, I realize some of you will be afraid to respond, due to politeness. I am asking you to overcome this and give me your honesty. Even if you email me in private at papacheeto05@aol.com. Just please let me know what you think of this, after you give it some real honest review.
Obesity is a selfish rebellion physically manifested. I have my stories and examples that I feel support this, but for now I want your opinion on this statement. Tell me why or why you don't agree. Please discuss this with me because I think I am on the verge of a new step in my journey and the definition of my journey is being molded openly through you all as well. Only through truth is my destiny achievable, so if I am wrong, I need to know, but if I am right I believe there is some healing to be done.
11-19-10 Progress Report. I was able to overcome my cravings and stick to my plan. YAY!!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
11-18-10 Thursday weigh in
It has been 1 week since I decided to do this. I started at 534 lbs, and I was in total shock at that number, but not really surprised when I started to look at my eating habits honestly. I was eating nothing but fast or frozen food. My portion sizes were approxamately double what a normal persons were, and I was still eating second helpings and/or leftovers in the same meal. I was a wreck. I never calculated how many calories I was actually eating, but I know it had to be a lot. In this week I have transformed my habits and I am, for the first time in my life, happy with these changes and so unbelieveably motivated to continue.
My motivation reminds me of the diffence between just dating, and then falling in love for the first time. I know that is corny, but if you know what real love is like, you can understand this reference. It is a feeling of calm, confort, understanding, trust, and hope. It is the difference between instant gratification planning, and forevermore belief. When you have this belief in you, everything in your life is different. In this "diet" I feel like I have finally found a way of eating that fits me, and I can not see my life without it now. I would eat to fill the void in my stomach before, and now I eat with purpose and love for myself. I have never put myself in a position of actually caring for myself. I have always put me last or not a thought at all. I saw food as a confort, but in the wrong way. My tastes were developed based on hype around certain foods, rather than benefits.
11-18-10 Progress Report. I have built this up as if I had lost 300 lbs over night...lol. I have lost 8 lbs this week. The biggest difference is how I feel inside. As well as how I feel about myself. This is better than any number on a scale, but I can't hate 8 lbs. Thank you everyone for your support and comments, I can not stress it enough how much this is helping me. I love you all and hope to continue to inspire. James.
My motivation reminds me of the diffence between just dating, and then falling in love for the first time. I know that is corny, but if you know what real love is like, you can understand this reference. It is a feeling of calm, confort, understanding, trust, and hope. It is the difference between instant gratification planning, and forevermore belief. When you have this belief in you, everything in your life is different. In this "diet" I feel like I have finally found a way of eating that fits me, and I can not see my life without it now. I would eat to fill the void in my stomach before, and now I eat with purpose and love for myself. I have never put myself in a position of actually caring for myself. I have always put me last or not a thought at all. I saw food as a confort, but in the wrong way. My tastes were developed based on hype around certain foods, rather than benefits.
11-18-10 Progress Report. I have built this up as if I had lost 300 lbs over night...lol. I have lost 8 lbs this week. The biggest difference is how I feel inside. As well as how I feel about myself. This is better than any number on a scale, but I can't hate 8 lbs. Thank you everyone for your support and comments, I can not stress it enough how much this is helping me. I love you all and hope to continue to inspire. James.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
11-17-10 Busy Day
Today has been great, as well as busy. We started out with me going to acupuncture. I have never done that before so I was both excited and nervous. Excited to see if it worked, nervous because I didn't want a nerve to be struck wrong and end up with more pain. The practitioner is a masseuse, herbalist, as well as an acupuncturist. She is very well versed in all three as well as the new knowledge I have found in Raw organic foods. We had a long discussion about food remedies, my current situation, and this blog. I found myself very comfortable with her and the idea of getting NEEDLED!!...Anyway, I didn't even feel the first few go in, and then came my right knee. It felt like she shoved a railroad spike through the back of my leg and shot it through my knee cap. It was excruciating, and given my fear of a damaged nerve and additional residual pain, I freaked a little. She laughed and just adjusted the needle, and it was fine....she explained it can happen if you have scar tissue or are injured, so keep that in mind if you decide to go in for this treatment. Aside from that moment, I enjoyed the experience and I did feel better later.
After the pin cushioning, Janell and I, had good friends come into town that we hadn't seen in quite a while. After we hung out for a while, we decided to go to Macaroni Grill for a late lunch/early dinner. I actually didn't do too bad. I had a piece of bread, and I sampled the appetizers that were ordered, as well as sampled a few bites of dessert, but all in all this is a far cry from how I would have been a week ago. I also had a decent meal, salmon with grilled veggies, and ice tea. The only thing I had all day prior to this was a raw PB&Honey on Nine grain organic whole wheat, so I had some extra calories to spare. I do regret some of the sampling, but like I said before, this is a process and I decided not to beat myself up over this one. I had a great time with great friends and great food, what more can you ask for.
So now, all I have planned for the rest of the night is homework, a light snack, and finish my water for the day. Oh and the berry-vomit...ugh!
11-17-10 Progress report. Weight will be known tomorrow, I decided to weigh every Thursday since that's when this all started. I did adjust my sugar intake today because I started to feel dizzy after blogging yesterday and I was able to determine, (with Janell's help), that this was the primary reason. I was putting myself into shock by going from such a high sugar intake to near zero intake. This is why I had the bread and tea with sugar today....that doesn't explain the bites of dessert however. That was just weakness, {shrug}. Other than that, thank you for caring, see you tomorrow. James.
After the pin cushioning, Janell and I, had good friends come into town that we hadn't seen in quite a while. After we hung out for a while, we decided to go to Macaroni Grill for a late lunch/early dinner. I actually didn't do too bad. I had a piece of bread, and I sampled the appetizers that were ordered, as well as sampled a few bites of dessert, but all in all this is a far cry from how I would have been a week ago. I also had a decent meal, salmon with grilled veggies, and ice tea. The only thing I had all day prior to this was a raw PB&Honey on Nine grain organic whole wheat, so I had some extra calories to spare. I do regret some of the sampling, but like I said before, this is a process and I decided not to beat myself up over this one. I had a great time with great friends and great food, what more can you ask for.
So now, all I have planned for the rest of the night is homework, a light snack, and finish my water for the day. Oh and the berry-vomit...ugh!
11-17-10 Progress report. Weight will be known tomorrow, I decided to weigh every Thursday since that's when this all started. I did adjust my sugar intake today because I started to feel dizzy after blogging yesterday and I was able to determine, (with Janell's help), that this was the primary reason. I was putting myself into shock by going from such a high sugar intake to near zero intake. This is why I had the bread and tea with sugar today....that doesn't explain the bites of dessert however. That was just weakness, {shrug}. Other than that, thank you for caring, see you tomorrow. James.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
11-16-10 Some noticable changes
Today, I woke up for the first time in about a month, without a headache. This was a very exciting moment because I haven't been taking any drugs since Saturday, and I usually need something for my head, something for my back, high blood pressure meds, allergy meds, et al. I have also noticed my sleep was a bit more restful last night. I woke a few times but this lack of headache tells me that I was getting air and sleep last night. I feel GOOD!....incredibly.
This also may be due to the fact that I am now on my plan 100%. I am eating high fiber, balanced protein, low starch. I am drinking 1 gallon of water a day. and either cheese or 1 glass of milk. Yesterday I started my day with just an apple and 1 ounce of cheese. Then later I had 2 cups of popcorn. I then had a big salad with vinegar and olive oil, and my dinner was a pile of steamed veggies with salmon on rice pilaf. I was satisfied, light, and happy with myself. Today, we didn't have the things I needed for breakfast and the fiber items for the day, so rather than giving in to the pantry selections, we went to the store and chose the correct items for my plan.
Some of you may consider this basic, or common sense. This is about habit replacement for me. Before this week, my diet would have went as far as the convenience of my cabinets. I have to say that this blog is such a huge motivator that I feel excited to write what I am doing , so I am excited to do the right thing. So thank you for helping me with this, just be following my journey.
I have noticed other changes, that are signs of a working fiber diet. But I don't much feel like going into that. Just know that if you are starting a high fiber diet....stay close to a restroom....and that is all I have to say about that. As for some natural remedy's I have discovered, I am waiting for a few books to arrive that go into deeper detail on this subject. But my plan is to detoxify as I go along, as well as rejuvenate the missing nutrients that my now previous eating were stripping me of. I will say, that Janell insisted on getting organic coffee, so if you watched any of the videos from the list in my previous post, you may know what I am talking about. However, I wont spoil it for you but I will say this, I am not looking forward to this at all. I did try the peroxide in the ear trick....that was interesting, and I am wondering how that is going to play out, so we will see....lol.
So I still need to get a little more diligent about my measurements, and I still need to add a few things to the fiber category. But overall I feel really good about where I am at. I apologize to those who were expecting a blog yesterday I got too busy and forgot till after I was in bed already, so I will try to get this out everyday, but if I don't I am still thinking about you all.
This also may be due to the fact that I am now on my plan 100%. I am eating high fiber, balanced protein, low starch. I am drinking 1 gallon of water a day. and either cheese or 1 glass of milk. Yesterday I started my day with just an apple and 1 ounce of cheese. Then later I had 2 cups of popcorn. I then had a big salad with vinegar and olive oil, and my dinner was a pile of steamed veggies with salmon on rice pilaf. I was satisfied, light, and happy with myself. Today, we didn't have the things I needed for breakfast and the fiber items for the day, so rather than giving in to the pantry selections, we went to the store and chose the correct items for my plan.
Some of you may consider this basic, or common sense. This is about habit replacement for me. Before this week, my diet would have went as far as the convenience of my cabinets. I have to say that this blog is such a huge motivator that I feel excited to write what I am doing , so I am excited to do the right thing. So thank you for helping me with this, just be following my journey.
I have noticed other changes, that are signs of a working fiber diet. But I don't much feel like going into that. Just know that if you are starting a high fiber diet....stay close to a restroom....and that is all I have to say about that. As for some natural remedy's I have discovered, I am waiting for a few books to arrive that go into deeper detail on this subject. But my plan is to detoxify as I go along, as well as rejuvenate the missing nutrients that my now previous eating were stripping me of. I will say, that Janell insisted on getting organic coffee, so if you watched any of the videos from the list in my previous post, you may know what I am talking about. However, I wont spoil it for you but I will say this, I am not looking forward to this at all. I did try the peroxide in the ear trick....that was interesting, and I am wondering how that is going to play out, so we will see....lol.
So I still need to get a little more diligent about my measurements, and I still need to add a few things to the fiber category. But overall I feel really good about where I am at. I apologize to those who were expecting a blog yesterday I got too busy and forgot till after I was in bed already, so I will try to get this out everyday, but if I don't I am still thinking about you all.
Progress Report for11-16-10. I have yet to weigh myself, I will be next week. I go to the acupuncturist tomorrow for pain management and I am excited about that. I feel better today and that is directly attributed to the support I have been receiving and the motivation that has given me, I have never been so enthusiastic about this issue and for that I thank all of you. I do want to add that, at our farmer's market, I have found a super-food liquid supplement that is supposed to give you all your daily needs. Two issues with this I have are, the cost, it's expensive, and the taste....it's a mix between a sweet fruity drink and vomit....mm-mm yummy. I do however feel it after I drink my serving for the day. Other than that, I love you guys and I love the posts and emails I have been getting. Thank you and keep it up. James.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
11-13-10 Answered Questions
There has been a few questions asked that I have forgotten to add into my posts. So this is a catch up post, and I will start closing my blog with a progress report.
1. What is your progress as of today? Well, so far I haven't weighed myself, But I have stuck to my daily habit change in progression towards the program I have chosen.
2. What have you cut so far? On the tenth, I made the pledge and started this blog. On the eleventh, I started upping my water and stopped on the second helpings of food. On the twelfth, I started drinking a gallon of water a day, eliminating all other beverages except a small glass of milk a day. I also started studying this subject heavily and missed an assignment at school because of it...DOH! On the thirteenth, I cut out candy...I still had some cookies though...5 OREOS....grrr, I know I KNOW!!!
3. How are you with soda? Well I have been drinking root beer a lot just prior to this expedition, but I have never been one who likes soda that much so this isn't really an issue for me. But please continue to post the info on this because i do have others reading this blog, and anything that you can think of to help out, please post. No information on here is wasted information.
4. What about the Gastric Bypass surgery? As I stated in one of my blogs, I am not sure about the western medicine quick and easy fix all approach to this. First, I am a little scared of surgery I will now freely admit. But this is only part of the issue. I have 15 people in my life now that have done this surgery and less than half have been either complication free, or kept the weight off in general. I feel this bypass creates an unnatural depletion to your system that may cause issues later in life. Osteoporosis, and other diseases like that, are directly related to bone health and mineral balance in the body, who knows what the starvation is actually doing to mineral and calcium deposits that fight and prevent such diseases. As you can see, I have my doubts, but as an open minded individual, I have a dear friend of mine offering to take me to a lecture next week to hear more about this, so we will see where my apprehension is after this. But to all those who have done this, I love you all, and I am proud of your accomplishments and very glad you have found something that works for you.
5. What do you mean by share this blog? I mean tell your neighbors, your friends, your pastors, your doctors, your mailman, your lovers and your fighters, your teachers and their dirty looks...post fliers, fly banners...raise monuments...oh whoops, a little too far I think, but you get the idea....lol
OK, so my daily progress report will now be at the end of my daily posts and i will try to answer questions here as well.
Progress report for 11-14-10. Today I am not weighing myself, but I am going to start raising my fiber intake. My goal is to be at the recommended levels on Monday, and completely on my friends program for the time being, minus the walking for now. I am in deep research mode and have ordered a few books on the discoveries I have made so far, so I will let you know if I make any changes....and any findings I have made, I will be sharing, so as to help you or someone you know. And as always, Thank you for all your notes and support, this has already been overwhelming and uplifting. Thank you all so much and please keep it up. James
1. What is your progress as of today? Well, so far I haven't weighed myself, But I have stuck to my daily habit change in progression towards the program I have chosen.
2. What have you cut so far? On the tenth, I made the pledge and started this blog. On the eleventh, I started upping my water and stopped on the second helpings of food. On the twelfth, I started drinking a gallon of water a day, eliminating all other beverages except a small glass of milk a day. I also started studying this subject heavily and missed an assignment at school because of it...DOH! On the thirteenth, I cut out candy...I still had some cookies though...5 OREOS....grrr, I know I KNOW!!!
3. How are you with soda? Well I have been drinking root beer a lot just prior to this expedition, but I have never been one who likes soda that much so this isn't really an issue for me. But please continue to post the info on this because i do have others reading this blog, and anything that you can think of to help out, please post. No information on here is wasted information.
4. What about the Gastric Bypass surgery? As I stated in one of my blogs, I am not sure about the western medicine quick and easy fix all approach to this. First, I am a little scared of surgery I will now freely admit. But this is only part of the issue. I have 15 people in my life now that have done this surgery and less than half have been either complication free, or kept the weight off in general. I feel this bypass creates an unnatural depletion to your system that may cause issues later in life. Osteoporosis, and other diseases like that, are directly related to bone health and mineral balance in the body, who knows what the starvation is actually doing to mineral and calcium deposits that fight and prevent such diseases. As you can see, I have my doubts, but as an open minded individual, I have a dear friend of mine offering to take me to a lecture next week to hear more about this, so we will see where my apprehension is after this. But to all those who have done this, I love you all, and I am proud of your accomplishments and very glad you have found something that works for you.
5. What do you mean by share this blog? I mean tell your neighbors, your friends, your pastors, your doctors, your mailman, your lovers and your fighters, your teachers and their dirty looks...post fliers, fly banners...raise monuments...oh whoops, a little too far I think, but you get the idea....lol
OK, so my daily progress report will now be at the end of my daily posts and i will try to answer questions here as well.
Progress report for 11-14-10. Today I am not weighing myself, but I am going to start raising my fiber intake. My goal is to be at the recommended levels on Monday, and completely on my friends program for the time being, minus the walking for now. I am in deep research mode and have ordered a few books on the discoveries I have made so far, so I will let you know if I make any changes....and any findings I have made, I will be sharing, so as to help you or someone you know. And as always, Thank you for all your notes and support, this has already been overwhelming and uplifting. Thank you all so much and please keep it up. James
Saturday, November 13, 2010
What it's like to be this big.
This post may end up seeming a little negative. I do apologize for that ahead of time. However, I am going to get on record some of the challenges I face in my life right now. This is a reminder for me and why I am sticking to this change. I may not cover everything, so this is just a list I want to express right now in order to explain to those who don't know what it's like, and to commiserate with those who do.
Life as we know it is not designed for the morbidly obese. Take furniture for example, most furniture is not designed with me in mind. I make up a small percentage of society, so I have to pay a lot for custom furniture. When I go out anywhere there is a whole new issue. I always ask for a table, because a booth will not fit me at all. I can not sit in a chair with arms, so if there isn't a chair on the floor without arms it becomes a situation where I am standing there, waiting for a chair I can use, while everyone in the restaurant is staring at me. Now I am not usually shy, but this is one of those moments where I can feel it,...moving on. Then there is the issue of furniture strength. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed to survive the minutes of sitting in the seat I have been usually forced to use due to lack of choices. I don't want to give everyone a show by re-enacting those scenes from "Shallow Hal", my agenda when I go out is to have everyone forget I am fat...I make everyone laugh and that is usually when the comfort level for me returns, simply because I know for that moment no one is seeing me as the circus freak, but rather a friend who is beyond judgment. Don't get me wrong I like being a circus freak when its by choice, but that's another blog entirely...lol. Oh and I break every couch I sit on...snap goes the wooden support.
Now there is the subject of cars. I hate cars. I am embarrassed every time I have to go somewhere. I truly look like an entire circus clown troop getting into one of those obscenely tiny cars. When getting into my wife's little ford ranger, I have been watched by people like it was a drive-in movie. I guess I can't blame them, if I saw a hippo trying on a speedo, I would stop and stare too. Then there's this situation, 4 skinny friends who want to go somewhere, with you, in what seems like a smart car, and they are confused as to why it is hard for you to close the door...and they keep asking if your OK while you hover over them and grunt because you are holding it all together just long enough to get to where you are going. OH OH and don't get me started on freaking SEAT BELTS!....WTF, they never fit, and they put the buckle under your ass crack.....well ok maybe that is just me.
Now I know they have remedy's available for all of these issues, but like I said they are all expensive.
So now, on to clothes. I hate clothes...Hate...Hate...HATE clothes. I shop at big and tall already, but even they don't always have stuff for me. I must say they do try really hard to accommodate me, and I really appreciate that. But I have yet to go in there and just find what I am looking for. I usually have to do special orders and I hate that because I absolutely need to try my clothes on first. I am also sick of shirts that are as wide as a truck but end up looking like a tube top because the designer leaves the length at regular...DUH! Oh and pants that may fit everywhere else, but come up to my neck over my belly. I want pants that are on my hips under my belly because that looks and feels like actual pants, not a freaking tent with belt loops at my chin.
OK so here is the issue that started the whole blog today. Toilets and toilet seats. The wall stalls, where the toilet is screwed into the wall and not a throne on the floor, are absolutely the biggest frustration I face. I have to hoover over those because I have broken a few, and I have seen one break and spray the occupant while I ran for the damn exit. You can imaging my fear when this is the only option and you really have to go. I think these should be eliminated, well at least for handi-stalls. As for seats, I need to invest in a seat company because I go through them. It always starts the same way, the little feet break down, then you are surfing on the seat as you slide from side to side....sometimes this is interesting, but it really sucks when it pinches and catches things in that area. UGH! Then finally crack its done for and I'm off spending another $30.00 on a similar peace of crap seat that will be broken in a month or three.
So finally I want to take a moment to talk about the body pain. Everyday I am cramping, aching, swelling, just hurting all over. Life in pain is no life at all. It is just an endless pursuit of whatever relief you can get. I am really tired all the time as well because of the pain as well as the lack of sleep and oxygen form my lung issues and sleep apnea. As for back issues, I have had to sleep on the couch since my car accident in July of '08, this aggravates my back as much as it helps it, but with the sleep apnea in combination, I haven't found an alternative. On the couch I am able to prop myself up in ways I can't in a shared bed, but I really miss my bed. This back issue makes it hard to walk or stand for long, but this leaves me sitting which hurts my hips and tail bone, or laying down which immobilizes me more than relieving me because I lock up. So what do I do? The only way to beat all of this is to loose the beloved Buddha belly...mmm rub the Buddha, you know you like it, better hurry cause its going bye bye. James.
Life as we know it is not designed for the morbidly obese. Take furniture for example, most furniture is not designed with me in mind. I make up a small percentage of society, so I have to pay a lot for custom furniture. When I go out anywhere there is a whole new issue. I always ask for a table, because a booth will not fit me at all. I can not sit in a chair with arms, so if there isn't a chair on the floor without arms it becomes a situation where I am standing there, waiting for a chair I can use, while everyone in the restaurant is staring at me. Now I am not usually shy, but this is one of those moments where I can feel it,...moving on. Then there is the issue of furniture strength. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed to survive the minutes of sitting in the seat I have been usually forced to use due to lack of choices. I don't want to give everyone a show by re-enacting those scenes from "Shallow Hal", my agenda when I go out is to have everyone forget I am fat...I make everyone laugh and that is usually when the comfort level for me returns, simply because I know for that moment no one is seeing me as the circus freak, but rather a friend who is beyond judgment. Don't get me wrong I like being a circus freak when its by choice, but that's another blog entirely...lol. Oh and I break every couch I sit on...snap goes the wooden support.
Now there is the subject of cars. I hate cars. I am embarrassed every time I have to go somewhere. I truly look like an entire circus clown troop getting into one of those obscenely tiny cars. When getting into my wife's little ford ranger, I have been watched by people like it was a drive-in movie. I guess I can't blame them, if I saw a hippo trying on a speedo, I would stop and stare too. Then there's this situation, 4 skinny friends who want to go somewhere, with you, in what seems like a smart car, and they are confused as to why it is hard for you to close the door...and they keep asking if your OK while you hover over them and grunt because you are holding it all together just long enough to get to where you are going. OH OH and don't get me started on freaking SEAT BELTS!....WTF, they never fit, and they put the buckle under your ass crack.....well ok maybe that is just me.
Now I know they have remedy's available for all of these issues, but like I said they are all expensive.
So now, on to clothes. I hate clothes...Hate...Hate...HATE clothes. I shop at big and tall already, but even they don't always have stuff for me. I must say they do try really hard to accommodate me, and I really appreciate that. But I have yet to go in there and just find what I am looking for. I usually have to do special orders and I hate that because I absolutely need to try my clothes on first. I am also sick of shirts that are as wide as a truck but end up looking like a tube top because the designer leaves the length at regular...DUH! Oh and pants that may fit everywhere else, but come up to my neck over my belly. I want pants that are on my hips under my belly because that looks and feels like actual pants, not a freaking tent with belt loops at my chin.
OK so here is the issue that started the whole blog today. Toilets and toilet seats. The wall stalls, where the toilet is screwed into the wall and not a throne on the floor, are absolutely the biggest frustration I face. I have to hoover over those because I have broken a few, and I have seen one break and spray the occupant while I ran for the damn exit. You can imaging my fear when this is the only option and you really have to go. I think these should be eliminated, well at least for handi-stalls. As for seats, I need to invest in a seat company because I go through them. It always starts the same way, the little feet break down, then you are surfing on the seat as you slide from side to side....sometimes this is interesting, but it really sucks when it pinches and catches things in that area. UGH! Then finally crack its done for and I'm off spending another $30.00 on a similar peace of crap seat that will be broken in a month or three.
So finally I want to take a moment to talk about the body pain. Everyday I am cramping, aching, swelling, just hurting all over. Life in pain is no life at all. It is just an endless pursuit of whatever relief you can get. I am really tired all the time as well because of the pain as well as the lack of sleep and oxygen form my lung issues and sleep apnea. As for back issues, I have had to sleep on the couch since my car accident in July of '08, this aggravates my back as much as it helps it, but with the sleep apnea in combination, I haven't found an alternative. On the couch I am able to prop myself up in ways I can't in a shared bed, but I really miss my bed. This back issue makes it hard to walk or stand for long, but this leaves me sitting which hurts my hips and tail bone, or laying down which immobilizes me more than relieving me because I lock up. So what do I do? The only way to beat all of this is to loose the beloved Buddha belly...mmm rub the Buddha, you know you like it, better hurry cause its going bye bye. James.
Friday, November 12, 2010
11-12-10 The Nutrition Study Begins
So I woke a few times last night thinking about all the different programs I have been on through out my life. The wide range of knowledge and claims were flying around in my head and it occurred to me that I need to know a few facts for myself. I know that fundamentally any program will work (for a time) if you stick to it, but much like surgery we will only find out the true effects on the body years from now. I don't think this is a gamble I am willing to take. I realize that if I am to be successful, I am actually changing my lifestyle and eating for good. I started today by just watching a few documentaries, and I was very surprised to see what I have already found out. Granted, these are expressing a certain opinion and just like in my political studies, I will be exploring both side of this argument, but so far I am sold on the ideas I have encountered today.
"The Beautiful Truth"This is a great story of a boy from Alaska who is home-schooled. He has been given a project that brings him to the discovery of natural cures for diseases and the controversy around this topic. He ends up traveling all over north America getting answers to his research and we are along for the ride. Great story, even if it seems a little hokey at the start. The greatest discovery my wife saw, has a coffee relation that I will let you discover in the film.
"The Future of Food" and "Food Inc." These are both incredible resources that explore the same topics as "The Beautiful Truth", but they each offer a few extra facts from each other. I highly recommend all three of these movies as references and inspiration.
"Food Matters" I watched this movie first and it stood out among all these films as the most pertinent to my situation, I am not belittling any of the great information in the other three at all, I am in full belief that these are movies everyone should see. This movie is a great explanation of Orthomolecular medicine and the benefits of super-foods that is missed in today's diet. I feel compelled at this point to locate and shop at the local farmer's market and get all organic on this belly issue...lol.
In summation, I have always known the benefits of balanced healthy eating, and even though I am currently in this situation, I have remained a strong proponent for healthy eating and living. I have allowed convenience and finances to get in the way of what I have always known to be true, and now I am rediscovering my original discourse in this matter. I feel that drastic, quick fix, modern medicine is dangerous, and our true healing ability is a gift from God. The ability to regenerate ourselves is something we take for granted now, and it is grossly apparent once you take the blinders off. So, for now, I'm off to get some more info on this....oh, and coffee....lol.
Also, I used Netflix instant play to watch these movies today....they are available right now...go watch.
"The Beautiful Truth"This is a great story of a boy from Alaska who is home-schooled. He has been given a project that brings him to the discovery of natural cures for diseases and the controversy around this topic. He ends up traveling all over north America getting answers to his research and we are along for the ride. Great story, even if it seems a little hokey at the start. The greatest discovery my wife saw, has a coffee relation that I will let you discover in the film.
"The Future of Food" and "Food Inc." These are both incredible resources that explore the same topics as "The Beautiful Truth", but they each offer a few extra facts from each other. I highly recommend all three of these movies as references and inspiration.
"Food Matters" I watched this movie first and it stood out among all these films as the most pertinent to my situation, I am not belittling any of the great information in the other three at all, I am in full belief that these are movies everyone should see. This movie is a great explanation of Orthomolecular medicine and the benefits of super-foods that is missed in today's diet. I feel compelled at this point to locate and shop at the local farmer's market and get all organic on this belly issue...lol.
In summation, I have always known the benefits of balanced healthy eating, and even though I am currently in this situation, I have remained a strong proponent for healthy eating and living. I have allowed convenience and finances to get in the way of what I have always known to be true, and now I am rediscovering my original discourse in this matter. I feel that drastic, quick fix, modern medicine is dangerous, and our true healing ability is a gift from God. The ability to regenerate ourselves is something we take for granted now, and it is grossly apparent once you take the blinders off. So, for now, I'm off to get some more info on this....oh, and coffee....lol.
Also, I used Netflix instant play to watch these movies today....they are available right now...go watch.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
11-11-10 The Plan
I am sitting here eating tootsie rolls and making my weight management plan. I already feel like I need to apologize to the people who are already wishing me well in this journey. I do have to say I have done well the rest of the day so far, eating balanced meals and I have been drinking a lot of water, but I have had a migraine today that will just not go away, and the accompanying headache is atrocious. So these tootsies are not excused, but they are helping me cope at the moment. <<<shrug>>>
Anyway, I feel that the best laid plans are the simplest. I live by the K.I.S.S. motto, which is "Keep it simple stupid!" So on that note I have decided to change one thing everyday, till I reach the plan that fits me best. The diet idea I am leaning towards right now is one that a friend has been very successful doing. She focuses on her fiber intake and water. After a few months she started walking and is now up to 10,000 steps a day just while working out. She has had two kids while on this program and looses the weight immediately after. This sounds easy enough, and I could be doing that program, completely, by Monday. I started today by eliminating second servings. This is one BIG issue I have been dealing with for a long time, because I grew up having to eat everything on my plate and programmed to never ever ever waste food. So this is an issue when there is food out on the stove or when my kids don't finish there food, I almost always feel compelled to finish there plate and eat more from the stove. Sickening to read that last line back, but I do that all the time and know that this alone will be helpful....however I will be fighting this one for a while I imagine.
I have been getting all kinds of suggestions from well wishers already, and I would like to thank you all and say to everyone to please continue your contact and suggestions. I greatly appreciate it.
Anyway, I feel that the best laid plans are the simplest. I live by the K.I.S.S. motto, which is "Keep it simple stupid!" So on that note I have decided to change one thing everyday, till I reach the plan that fits me best. The diet idea I am leaning towards right now is one that a friend has been very successful doing. She focuses on her fiber intake and water. After a few months she started walking and is now up to 10,000 steps a day just while working out. She has had two kids while on this program and looses the weight immediately after. This sounds easy enough, and I could be doing that program, completely, by Monday. I started today by eliminating second servings. This is one BIG issue I have been dealing with for a long time, because I grew up having to eat everything on my plate and programmed to never ever ever waste food. So this is an issue when there is food out on the stove or when my kids don't finish there food, I almost always feel compelled to finish there plate and eat more from the stove. Sickening to read that last line back, but I do that all the time and know that this alone will be helpful....however I will be fighting this one for a while I imagine.
I have been getting all kinds of suggestions from well wishers already, and I would like to thank you all and say to everyone to please continue your contact and suggestions. I greatly appreciate it.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
11-10-2010 Sleep study results - The Beginning!
Well, today I was hit with some reality. I feel like today I am being told by the universe that I have dug this hole too deep for myself. I started the day, like everyday, not being able to breath or even move because of my back. Getting in the shower and nearly passing out because I couldn't breath. Screaming at my family for no reason except that this was scaring me. Then after an hour of frustration due to getting ready and needing as much help as my two babies. I was finally off to the Hospital to get the test results from a sleep study I had done almost a month ago.
The results were more severe than I had imagined. The Doctor's actual words were, "In all the years I have been doing this, I have never seen as severe a case of sleep apnea as yours. Your breathing stoppage rate was at 198 per hour, and normal rate is supposed to be under 5." He then went on to discuss the dangers of my lack of oxygen and the concerns he has over my situation. I was happy to hear that I am definitely getting a by-pap with Oxygen induction, for when I sleep, but I was terrified to come to the realization as to why I needed this. {To learn more about this go here >>> http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-bipap.htm}
I am in the Morbidly Obese section of society. My weight as of today is 534 lbs. I am 33, a full-time student with a beautiful wife and two incredible kids, my boy is 5 on the 28th, and my daughter is two and a half. I have Low Back problems that keep me pretty immobilized. I also now have breathing problems, aside from the sleep apnea, that add to my lack of activity. I have very limited finances for "diets", and to top that I am an emotional eater. So when I get sad, bored, angry, upset in anyway, I will console myself with food or candy. Usually the latter, but I have been known to eat really really well.
OK, so there it is, I am putting this out there for many different reasons. First, I need support, I really don't know if I can do this on my own, so any support will be greatly appreciated. All I know is I need to change NOW, because I am now looking at my end soon if I don't and I can not do that to my family. Second, accountability. I am the type of person who believes in the power of your word and this blog will be simply that. I promise all the readers and supporters of this blog that I will work everyday to get to a healthy happy me again. Third, this will be my place to get my frustrations out, kind of an on going soap opera for y'all I'm sure. Fourth, I hope this will inspire someone else to get started on the journey to fix themselves in whatever way they need. Lastly, this will be a record for me to motivate myself and look back on to see where I am at...or share with my kids later.
So again, there it is folks, the overview, my story, my pledge. I have talked about doing this blog for almost two years but was to scared or lazy to commit to doing this. Today, that changes. I love you all for your support and I hope to keep you inspired. James.
The results were more severe than I had imagined. The Doctor's actual words were, "In all the years I have been doing this, I have never seen as severe a case of sleep apnea as yours. Your breathing stoppage rate was at 198 per hour, and normal rate is supposed to be under 5." He then went on to discuss the dangers of my lack of oxygen and the concerns he has over my situation. I was happy to hear that I am definitely getting a by-pap with Oxygen induction, for when I sleep, but I was terrified to come to the realization as to why I needed this. {To learn more about this go here >>> http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-bipap.htm}
I am in the Morbidly Obese section of society. My weight as of today is 534 lbs. I am 33, a full-time student with a beautiful wife and two incredible kids, my boy is 5 on the 28th, and my daughter is two and a half. I have Low Back problems that keep me pretty immobilized. I also now have breathing problems, aside from the sleep apnea, that add to my lack of activity. I have very limited finances for "diets", and to top that I am an emotional eater. So when I get sad, bored, angry, upset in anyway, I will console myself with food or candy. Usually the latter, but I have been known to eat really really well.
OK, so there it is, I am putting this out there for many different reasons. First, I need support, I really don't know if I can do this on my own, so any support will be greatly appreciated. All I know is I need to change NOW, because I am now looking at my end soon if I don't and I can not do that to my family. Second, accountability. I am the type of person who believes in the power of your word and this blog will be simply that. I promise all the readers and supporters of this blog that I will work everyday to get to a healthy happy me again. Third, this will be my place to get my frustrations out, kind of an on going soap opera for y'all I'm sure. Fourth, I hope this will inspire someone else to get started on the journey to fix themselves in whatever way they need. Lastly, this will be a record for me to motivate myself and look back on to see where I am at...or share with my kids later.
So again, there it is folks, the overview, my story, my pledge. I have talked about doing this blog for almost two years but was to scared or lazy to commit to doing this. Today, that changes. I love you all for your support and I hope to keep you inspired. James.
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