I have done good in many ways since Thanksgiving, but I have been battling cravings even more since then. I believe I may need something in my diet that I am not getting, but does that justify slipping off my plan? I do need to find out what I need, so how do I achieve this without a binge incident? I am seriously asking all of you for help in this because I did it again last night. I know most of you have said this is something I should not get down about. However, for me this is an issue of control.
To allow for better understanding, here's what happened. It was once again the middle of the night. I had reheated the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers for Janell and she had left it out after she was done. About an hour later she went to bed and i saw it still out and I finished the remaining Green bean casserole and the candied yams, there was about a cup of each, maybe a cup and a quarter. The whole thing made me sick, and today I feel body pain, I had a headache, and I was nauseous most of the morning. I am just glad that I don't have to see any more of the leftovers, but why do I do this?
I feel horrible about throwing food away. I grew up knowing what it was like to go through times not having food. My mother was a single mother of four, and we seemed to never get ahead. We knew desperation at times. I was also sent to my grandmother's due to my abusive step father and I would gorge myself at my grandmothers, almost uncontrollably. The worst thing is she would defend it to anyone who caught me, also due to the "emotional damage" I had because of my step dad. I feel like this might be where some of this control issue came from, as well as the need to finish all the food and not waste any of it.
I have known this was a problem of mine for a long time, and I thought I had dealt with it in counseling, but I now feel very frustrated because it has such a power over me when it hits. In that moment I feel like I am compelled to not waste anything, and I get really mad when there is something thrown out. I don't know what to do because I can be doing so well and than it just hits me at the least prepared moments and I fall. I need your thoughts.
11-30-10 Progress Report. Frustrated, flustered, and utterly disappointed in myself. I will be doing Yoga after this post, and I have done it everyday now, but I don't want this to be due to guilt, it needs to be because I like it and want the results it gives. I am not as down on myself as I was on Thanksgiving and I think that is due to the Yoga as well. However I need to find out why this is happening and the scientist in me is grumbling...lol.
On a side note, if this is the first time you are reading, I invite you to please read all the posts so as to get an idea of where I am in this. I love the advice I receive, but it means a whole lot more if you know what I have been covering.
I love you all for following, I am completely humbled and honored that you are along with me in this journey, thank you more than you will ever know. Lastly, read my wife's comment post from yesterday's blog, she is my light house in the storm, this will give you an idea why. I wish she knew just how wonderful she is. I love you honey. James.
